There is only before this, and after this

There is a time when one is so destroyed by something, that they believe there is nothing worth living for. If you had asked me a year ago, what my biggest fears were I would have a very short, precise list.

  1. Bees/Needles
  2. Losing my husband
  3. The death of my Grandma
  4. Disappointing my family
  5. Not succeeding at work

I’d like to think this would be similar to most things 30 somethings fear, the normal things I obsess about (other than my neurotic anxious obsessions). Let’s save those “others” for another post if anyone ends up interested. If any one of these had happened, the old me would have just taken a knee, given up on life and lost herself in depression. And I did, for a while. And I still do, every now and then. But I’m ALIVE.

In the last 6 months 2-6 have come true, I have in less than a year lost everything I hold dear. I have shed multiple layers of expectations, fears, and discovered a new person under here. Still broken, still battered, but stronger. Any one of these scenarios could have brought be over the edge, but all of them together? Okay all but one, still have not been stung and haven’t had a shot in years.

I saw a meme or  saying on Facebook,  that stated essentially that there are events in one’s life that are so big, that they are used as markers. There is only before, and after this event. Like AD to BC. Like caterpillar to butterfly. I am in Chrysalis… there will only be before this time, and after this time. When I finish my regrowth I shall be a new person, I already have a new list of fears…

  1. Bees/Needles
  2. Not finding my true self
  3. Letting Fear hold me back
  4. Death

Now time to get to work. My first order of business? Explaining how I got here, so I can figure out where I am going.


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